Actual Fan Email, Actual Response

Hi Karen,

As a child (I am now an elderly 21) I loved geckos. At After School Care we would collect gecko eggs to take them home and put them in cotton wool lined egg cups, waiting for them to hatch.

At home I kept my school bag outside, hanging from a rack on the wall beside the front door. One night I went out there to get something from it. The wall (as was usual) was covered in geckos, that was cool – geckos and I were tight, we had a mutual respect for each other…right? Well Karen, apparently NOT. Because these little $*%@# decided to drop their tails – leaving me faced with a swarm of fleshy coloured beady eyed blobs, with their bloody stumps all up in my business. PLUS!! Their discarded tails were twitching all over the ground at my feet like evil zombie worms who wanted to crawl into my ears and devour my brain. I was unable to move, I wanted to vomit and vomit and vomit and vomit and then die. Since that day I haven’t been able to look at a gecko without feeling nauseous.

So. I wanted to congratulate you on writing the most terrifyingly traumatic scene of anything ever. Well done. I think I got as far as CRUNCHING GECKO IN MOUTH before I started researching frontal lobe lobotomies in the Sunshine Coast QLD area. Unfortunately nobody seems to be advertising their services, so I guess I’ll be performing one on myself.

[Section snipped for spoilers]

Thanks for writing a great book, it was a nice change to read a fantasy novel set in the southern hemisphere. I look forward to reading your future works.

Yours in an ever-present state of gecko terror,

Dear Sasha,

I have a confession to make. I wrote that scene with one purpose, and one purpose only – to terrify you. Not general “you, the reader”. Specifically “you, Sasha”. Having heard of you through channels too complicated and baroque to go into, I immediately realised that we would be foes eternally and it was forthwith my only ambition to write a book about my homeland, include a scene with geckoes and the crunching thereof, and, by hideous and foul means, induce you to read it, thus softening you up for further psychological assaults.

I am delighted that my mission has succeeded, and I look forward to further terrifying you through nefarious means that MAY OR MAY NOT include my future books.

Yours in enmity,

(PS, glad you liked the book, especially the Southern Hemisphereyness of it! I laughed so hard at this email. Is there any chance that I could excerpt a section of it on my blog?)

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  • This is hilarious. If Sasha doesn’t have a blog already, she needs to get herself one 🙂

  • hey i really enjoyed guardian of the dead im actually writing a book review. do you have any main pointers that may help me ???

  • Karen

    For writing a review? Personally, I like to mention things I liked about the book, plus any things I didn’t perhaps like so much, and generally some hints about what may appeal to other readers.

  • Karen

    Celia: I KNOW, RIGHT? Sadly, it appears she doesn’t.