Daniel Vettori is a Vampire

This is Daniel Vettori.

Daniel Vettori

He plays cricket* for New Zealand. He is also a vampire.

Daniel Vettori exposes his fangs

Karen, you say, this is a startling claim! However did you arrive at this conclusion?

Internets, I say, allow me to make my case.

Exhibit A: Modern vampires are hot.

Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries

Laurent from Twilight

Louis de Pointe du Lac from Interview With A Vampire

Daniel Vettori** is hot:

Those are some serious come hither eyes y'all

Exhibit B: Vampires don’t age, and neither does Daniel Vettori.

Daniel Vettori Practice Session

Daniel Vettori has been a member of the New Zealand team since he was supposedly 18 years old BUT PROBABLY REALLY 97 or something. He looks 18 now, only to fool people that he is 32, the age he claims, he will sometimes grow a beard or sketch wrinkles around his eyes with an eyebrow pencil.

Exhibit C: Daniel Vettori plays a national sport.

Vampires do not usually play sport, but of those we know definitely do, the sport of choice is baseball.

Carlisle Cullen from Twilight holds a baseball bat

The vampires who play baseball declare it is because it is, “the national game [of the USA].”

Rugby is actually the New Zealand game, but a vampire playing rugby would be discovered almost immediately because in rugby people tend to bleed. I suspect even the All Blacks would be discomforted by a fellow player who ate the opposition. Vettori has obviously chosen cricket as the next most popular New Zealand game.

Cricket is also fairly similar to baseball! There’s a ball and a bat and some boundaries. The coincidences just keep PILING UP! Are they coincidences AT ALL?

Now, I know what you may be thinking: But Karen, you are thinking, cricket is played in the daytime. Outside. In sunlight.

Daniel Vettori taking a catch in full daylight

Internets, don’t fret yourselves! The modern vampire regards sunlight as a trifling inconvenience. Slap on some makeup to hide the sparkling or slip on some bewitched jewellery to counter the curse, and your modern vampire is no more a pile of dust and ashes than he looks like old school vampires Dracula and Nosferatu.

Which is just as well, I think we can all agree. Would you want to watch this?

Nosferatu, all fangs and corpse-like pallor

Or this?

Daniel Vettori, all smiles and victory

Next week: How Beatrice Faumuina is secretly half-mermaid.

*Cricket is a game where you whack a ball with a piece of wood and run between some other pieces of wood. You get a point for each run. If you whack the ball hard enough so that it rolls over a white line at the edge of the sports field, you automatically get four runs. If you whack the ball hard enough that it flies over the same white lines, you get six runs.

You can get out by someone catching the ball in the air after you whack it, by someone throwing the ball and hitting the pieces of wood behind you as you run, by someone throwing the ball at you and hitting the pieces of wood behind you as you attempt to whack it, and by someone throwing the ball and they would have hit the pieces of wood behind you as you attempted to whack it, but they hit your leg instead.

There is a lot of other stuff, with overs and deep field and rubbing the ball on your crotch, but those are the basics.

**Incidentally, when I did a google image search for “Daniel Vettori shirtless”, for, you know, research purposes, a picture of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan locking in a sparkly embrace came up in the first row of results. Another coincidence? I THINK NOT.

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